


Filled with Tears

by hanekawa_irl



Category: Mawaru Penguindrum
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-09-14
Packaged: 2021-03-01 20:27:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23663110
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hanekawa_irl/pseuds/hanekawa_irl
Summary: Starts midway through episode 15, then diverges sharply.
Relationships: Oginome Ringo/Takakura Shouma
Comments: 3
Kudos: 7





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Starts midway through episode 15, then diverges sharply.

"Oh? Why don't you take advantage of her?"

I snapped my head to where Yuri stood in the hallway. "WHAT?! I'm not- I wasn't-"

Her giggle only annoyed me further. But I wasn't mad. At least not at her. After one last moment of focusing on Ringo's sleeping body, I spotted her phone sitting a few inches from her face. 

I grabbed it and rushed onto the balcony. I summoned my best hateful expression and looked into Yuri's eyes. Hopefully that would tell her not to follow me and hear my message. I couldn't bear to have someone who knew the answers tell me what I felt. This is my burden. 

Covering Ringo's phone with my hand, I called it with my own. The phone kept buzzing, and buzzing, and buzzing, until finally, it stopped. It was my chance to leave Ringo a message. A message I should have left a long time ago.

"I'm sorry. Ugh. Ringo I'm so so sorry. And I don't hate you. I could never hate you. I just.. why don't you hate me?! I deserve it, I deserve for you to want me dead. I want to die for what I did to you. But you keep trying to convince me it's all okay. It isn't. I.. I can't let you get hurt by forcing yourself to like me. That's the only reason I ever pushed you away. But I won't stop. I care about you too much to let you get close to the boy who ruined your family. I can't see you get hurt because of me. Please stay away from me. Please. Please.  
"I love you, ringo. And it hurts so much to push you away but I can't do anything differently so please. Ringo please just kill me or hurt me or leave or something because I can't-"

My sobbing had finally gotten loud enough that I couldn't force the words past my mouth. As the tears soaked my shirt and covered both of our phones, I finally closed the call. There wasn't anything more I could say. Nothing she didn't already know.  
I forced my feet to take me back to Ringo and Yuri, step by agonizing step. The tears still flowed freely from my eyes and over my face, but I managed to put Ringo's phone back in its place without waking her. My eyes lingered on hers for a moment longer than they should have though. If she listened to me, this would be the last time I would see her face. God I hoped she wouldn't. 

After what felt like an eternity I finally managed to pry my eyes from Ringo's face. Yuri hadn't moved from where she had first startled me. At least she didn't say anything. It was becoming harder and harder to see, but somehow I stumbled to the door and slid it open. 

A minute later, my feet had carried me over to me bed. It was nice to have one part of me that functioned properly. My friend was already passed out, so I tried to silence my sobbing a bit as I crawled in. 

But my mind wouldn't stop yelling at me that I'd ruined everything. again. That was the plan from the beginning. It was too tiring to try and justify it. I just wanted to sleep. Please.

* * *

"Hey, Shouma! Get up already. The train leaves in 20 minutes!"

I rolled my head up to look at him, wondering why my face was so wet. But that didn't matter - Tabuki-sensei would chew me out if I delayed the whole class.

After a few minutes of rushing to jam myself into my uniform, I threw the door open… oh. Oh no. Ringo was standing right in front of the door, tears in her eyes. Everything that happened last night came back to me. I just- No. I can't do this.

Tears began to streak across my own face as I charged past her, desparate to avoid eye contact. Even when she let out a small 'Shouma-kun', I couldn't stop. Even when I thought of how much I must be hurting her, how awful it felt to tear myself away from her, I couldn't stop. I didn't even know why I kept running. 

"Ah, Takakura-san. You took your sweet time getting- oh? Are you okay?"

I quickly turned aside and rubbed the moisture from my face. "Fine," I barely managed to blurt out, desperately hoping my voice wouldn't crack too much. 

"Well, um. Everyone else is already in the train, so if you would just take your seat…"

I shuffled through the aisle, praying that none of my classmates would pay attention to me. With infinite gratitude, I noticed that there was still a window seat. I jumped into it without a second glance and faced my head directly to the window. Only after the hotel was completely out of sight coulI finally relax.

Releasing my stress with a minute-long sigh, I glanced down at my phone. Oh. 1 new message. From her.

My hand shook as I dragged the phone up to my ear. It only took a second of her sobbing when my hand fell down. Not here. I looked around at my classmates. They looked so happy. Why do they get to live without fate and destiny and terrorism and penguins and survival strategies and everything else?

* * *

I stepped onto the platform, watching Tabuki-sensei cheerily telling us to be careful on our way home. My legs started to carry me to the street, but I reversed course when he stopped paying attention to me. I couldn't listen to the message at home with Himari and Kanba watching over my shoulder, and I couldn't bear to wait a moment longer.

As it turned out, that message would remain unheard. 

Ringo had stepped out of the second carriage on the train, and she noticed me. The tears had gone from her eyes, and she looked even angrier at me than usual. As she stalked toward me, I was frozen. Looking at her eyes, thinking about how pretty she is. Wondering how hard she would hit me. Hoping it would hurt.

Which made it all the more disconcerting when she wrapped her arms around me instead. "Shouma-kun. Baka," she whispered. "Please stop running from me. I love you. I don't want to be Momoka anymore. I don't want my family back together if it means I have to be apart from you. Please stop running."

I couldn't say anything. I couldn't do anything. My hands hung limply at my sides as I tried to come up with something, anything, to say to the girl I loved. But I didn't want to say anything. It was comfortable being held like this, having her next to me.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follows *immediately* after the last chapter, finding a natural space to break up a story is for people who don't binge-write until 3 am once every few months.

At the start, at least. But slowly, her embrace grew more and more uncomfortable. Of course, I still wanted to feel her touch, her warmth. If I could just capture this moment, and only this moment, I would revel in it for eternity.

But that isn't the world we live in. We live in a world where I was responsible for killing her sister and ruining her family. Every problem she's ever had, including the ones she thanked me for fixing, were all my fault. It's not fair that I just get her love while she gets — 

"Shouma-kun… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that." Her hands were now fidgeting at her waist, and there was an arms-length of separation between us. And of course I was too busy hating myself to even notice losing her touch. Like always.

But why did she look remorseful? She didn't do anything wrong, I'm the one here who's refusing to accept her love, and I've done broken her boundaries so many times before — 

"Let's go up to my apartment. I need.. I need to tell you something."

Now she's also crying?? What's happening, and what does she want with me in her — "Heeeeeeey! Why are you pulling on my arm like that I'm coming I'm coming!"

* * *

I paused at the threshold to her apartment, still panting from the crazed dash up here. Was it really okay to come here? I should have just ran when I saw her in the train station. But it's too late to do anything about it now, I thought as a small sigh escaped my lips.

Still hesitating outside the door, I saw Ringo a few steps ahead of me, lost in thought. Was she having another of those daydreams?

Suddenly she recoiled as if someone had hit her, yelling "No! Why?! Why can't you just let yourself be happy?!!" So she was. And then she remembered that I was watching.

Her head whipped towards me, and the cutest blush was spreading across her face. My heart started beating even faster than it had while I was running. She's making it so difficult for me to fall out of love with her.

Without realizing it, a smile had alighted on my face and my feet had carried me into the apartment, right next to Ringo. But I still had to answer her question, whether she was asking it to me or to the version of me in her head.

"I… I want you to be safe and happy. More than almost anything else in the world." Well that was a positive start at least. Then my shoulders sunk as I reached the next sentence.  
"So I... can't let you be close to me. I'm terrified of hurting you. Every time I think about you I think about how my existence ruined your life. And I know you want to be with me but I just. I don't trust myself to help you. I've already hurt you enough."  
There, I said it. I don't know if it's enough to convince her. Or even to convince me.

Tears started to fill Ringo's eyes, her head slowly shaking from side to side. "No! NO! You've never hurt me!"

"Then what do you call abandoning you when you confessed your love!' I was shouting too now, and the tears were flowing freely down my face. "I've been hurting you as much as I know how to do since that moment!" And I'm still doing it now.

"You want to play this game?! I used you as a slave when I was seducing Tabuki! I constantly ignored and hurt your feelings, and I beat you up *twice* on the day you're talking about. And I let myself love you anyway. Just please. Let me protect you from yourself the way you protected me from myself. Shouma, please."

I didn't know how to respond to that. Was she right? Am I just using her as an excuse to hurt myself? Am I… really that awful of a person?

My body slouched even further, barely one step away from giving out completely. This wasn't how it was supposed to go. I already failed at loving her. And I failed at getting her to stop loving me. What else is there even for me to do? 

A tear slipped from my eye, just before my legs collapsed. I didn't have the energy to try and break my fall, and I wasn't sure if I wanted to anyway. The next thing I heard was the dull thud of my back smacking into the carpet. 

"Shouma!"  
The concern in Ringo's voice, jolted me back to reality in a way the pain never could. She was sitting next to me, her head outstretched directly over mine. Just like when I had saved her from drowning. Only this time the positions were reversed. And I was still awake.

I felt a tight squeeze on my left hand. My head snapped to the side, and suddenly the pressure was released. No longer gripping my hand, Ringo's was hovering barely above mine. I turned my gaze back to her face. I had forgotten how pretty she looked when she was upset.

Her entire body looked so tense. And her eyes were pleading with me. Oh. That's why she let go of my hand. She's letting me choose. I can either my bubble of self-blame and loneliness, or I can have someone next to me to save me from drowning in myself.

I still know I deserve to feel guilty. So many people were hurt because of me. Helping one victim's sister can never begin to atone for that. 

But I want it. I want to be happy. Ringo wants me to be happy. Himari and Kanba too. And I can't think of a single other thing that really matters. 

I wrapped my fingers around her palm with my left hand, and pulled her face towards mine with my right. Closing my eyes, I let my lips touch hers. Our second kiss. And the first one she'll remember.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm definitely not a Shouma kin who's using writing to work through their own personal issues. I swear.

**Author's Note:**

> This is semi-unfinished and I might add additional content later.
> 
> Also I literally cannot imagine a single person who would search for a ship from a 7 year old anime and read this nonsense, but thanks if you did <3\. Also I came up with the title *well* after realizing how many times I have Shouma cry lmao


End file.
